Depression with Jesus

I feel compelled to share this with you. In the past few weeks, maybe months, I have felt like I'm in a depressing fog of grey monotony. Where I had life, interest, vitality,  instead I am numb, grey, listless, weary.

I  feel like no one gets me and that I might be insane.

I feel like my friends are annoyed with me and that I'm insecure and needy, when I haven't felt like that in forever.

I worry that I'm being too prideful or bossy or "look at me" when I serve the Lord.

I feel like I don't know anything about the Lord so how dare I try to lead anyone. ie: dgroups, bible study, prayer time

I feel unloved, rejected, hurt and most of it I believe is all in my head bc I can't find a logical place for it to have taken root or its come from a very minor incident that should NOT have that kind of effect.

I am mean and yelling at my kids.

I can't seem to find life.

I read about Muslim women and their black veils and I wish I had one to hide under...instead I use my black hoodie.

I feel like a failure.

I'm striving but I don't even realize it, until I'm exhausted.

If someone tries to bring a message to me that I need to try harder at anything (esp godly living ) I want to kick them in their face.

I feel like I don't care about anything...

 

Yet, there are moments of light. Of great love, and vision from the Lord.

I have shared with some about my struggles. And in talking through some of them with a dear friend, I began to see depression in a new "light" (lol). I've always considered depression an attack of the Enemy. When I feel this way, I see it as NOT of God. I treat it as a battle but that hasn't done much good. When you are weary, you don't care to fight, you want to surrender to the darkness. And it feels like you flail around trying to keep the darkness back only to exhaust yourself and it keeps coming. So what if I do stop fighting, striving, what if I sit here quietly in the dark?

 I began to wonder, has God led me into this season of dark/fog for a purpose?

What if He led me into dark foggy places so I can know Him better?

" that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead" Phil 3:10  He was a man of many sorrows, acquainted with grief (Is 53:3)...surely Jesus knew depression. Do you lead me here so you can use my weaknesses for eternal fruit?  (John 15:16)What if there are treasures down here in the darkness that I have to come here to find? "and I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, The God of Israel, who calls you by your name." Is 45:3 What if this dark/fog is a place for me to build up my endurance for things to come? Endure: to hold up under pain or hardship without yielding; synonyms: abide, allow, be patient with, brave,face, hang in, live out, live through, never say die, ride out, stand, take it, be timeless, carry on, persist, wear well, stick to Antonyms: discontinue

 

On Saturday mornings we have talked a lot about light and dark and God being in the darkness. We've also talked about being warriors for Christ and training, boot camp. I read awhile back about a special ops training program where they had to run for miles and miles, through darkness, cold, fog with little food. They were supposed to reach a certain destination in a given time. The exercise was designed to weed out the those who would not endure...to a man those who passed were beyond exhaustion, in pain, physically, mentally, emotionally spent but they pushed on to finish. This was passing the test, finding out if the men had some sort of inner strength to keep going against all reason and odds. Never quit. I propose to you, that we too might be in training with the Lord to strengthen our endurance for times to come. Where its life and death in the Kingdom of God and we must be willing to endure to the end."Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus" 2 tim 2:2-3 " All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. " Heb 12:11 I have always read that word discipline as punishment for sin. Today I saw it in a different light. Here is the definition: regimen, training; synonyms: development, drill, practice, prep. And let me be very clear I believe this endurance is the endurance of seeking God's face. Never never stop coming to Him, clinging to Him in the dark, listening for His voice. Its not about fighting or striving, its about seeking Him through the dark and fog.

 

So now, if I look at depression as a place where Jesus is beside me, revealing Himself in a new way, a place where there are treasures, a training ground, and a place where eternal fruit can be grown, then I'm less depressed already. I don't propose to know much at all about depression, or have all the answers. I just wanted to throw this perspective out there because God has been speaking it to me these past few days. I do think that there is an aspect of battle in depression in that lies of the Enemy are prevalent and we are susceptible. Which is why I chose to list some of the things I've been thinking for you. The more we bring thoughts into the light the more clearly we see what is of God and what is of the Enemy. Lastly for me, I have heard the Lord say this is a season. Surrender to me in this season. He will lead me out at the appointed time. Mean time I have found my way to a resting place of security that Jesus is in this pit of darkness with me and He has purpose for it in my life. And when I begin to doubt that and slip off again, I'll just keep coming back to sit before Him...and endure the quiet numb darkness until I hear Him again.

 

I love you friends (when I'm not numb lol). Let's not hide alone but be united with Christ and each other.

 

The songs "Times" and" By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North have ministered to me greatly. In case you need some ministering to.

love

mich