Depression with Jesus

I feel compelled to share this with you. In the past few weeks, maybe months, I have felt like I'm in a depressing fog of grey monotony. Where I had life, interest, vitality,  instead I am numb, grey, listless, weary.

I  feel like no one gets me and that I might be insane.

I feel like my friends are annoyed with me and that I'm insecure and needy, when I haven't felt like that in forever.

I worry that I'm being too prideful or bossy or "look at me" when I serve the Lord.

I feel like I don't know anything about the Lord so how dare I try to lead anyone. ie: dgroups, bible study, prayer time

I feel unloved, rejected, hurt and most of it I believe is all in my head bc I can't find a logical place for it to have taken root or its come from a very minor incident that should NOT have that kind of effect.

I am mean and yelling at my kids.

I can't seem to find life.

I read about Muslim women and their black veils and I wish I had one to hide under...instead I use my black hoodie.

I feel like a failure.

I'm striving but I don't even realize it, until I'm exhausted.

If someone tries to bring a message to me that I need to try harder at anything (esp godly living ) I want to kick them in their face.

I feel like I don't care about anything...

 

Yet, there are moments of light. Of great love, and vision from the Lord.

I have shared with some about my struggles. And in talking through some of them with a dear friend, I began to see depression in a new "light" (lol). I've always considered depression an attack of the Enemy. When I feel this way, I see it as NOT of God. I treat it as a battle but that hasn't done much good. When you are weary, you don't care to fight, you want to surrender to the darkness. And it feels like you flail around trying to keep the darkness back only to exhaust yourself and it keeps coming. So what if I do stop fighting, striving, what if I sit here quietly in the dark?

 I began to wonder, has God led me into this season of dark/fog for a purpose?

What if He led me into dark foggy places so I can know Him better?

" that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead" Phil 3:10  He was a man of many sorrows, acquainted with grief (Is 53:3)...surely Jesus knew depression. Do you lead me here so you can use my weaknesses for eternal fruit?  (John 15:16)What if there are treasures down here in the darkness that I have to come here to find? "and I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, The God of Israel, who calls you by your name." Is 45:3 What if this dark/fog is a place for me to build up my endurance for things to come? Endure: to hold up under pain or hardship without yielding; synonyms: abide, allow, be patient with, brave,face, hang in, live out, live through, never say die, ride out, stand, take it, be timeless, carry on, persist, wear well, stick to Antonyms: discontinue

 

On Saturday mornings we have talked a lot about light and dark and God being in the darkness. We've also talked about being warriors for Christ and training, boot camp. I read awhile back about a special ops training program where they had to run for miles and miles, through darkness, cold, fog with little food. They were supposed to reach a certain destination in a given time. The exercise was designed to weed out the those who would not endure...to a man those who passed were beyond exhaustion, in pain, physically, mentally, emotionally spent but they pushed on to finish. This was passing the test, finding out if the men had some sort of inner strength to keep going against all reason and odds. Never quit. I propose to you, that we too might be in training with the Lord to strengthen our endurance for times to come. Where its life and death in the Kingdom of God and we must be willing to endure to the end."Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus" 2 tim 2:2-3 " All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. " Heb 12:11 I have always read that word discipline as punishment for sin. Today I saw it in a different light. Here is the definition: regimen, training; synonyms: development, drill, practice, prep. And let me be very clear I believe this endurance is the endurance of seeking God's face. Never never stop coming to Him, clinging to Him in the dark, listening for His voice. Its not about fighting or striving, its about seeking Him through the dark and fog.

 

So now, if I look at depression as a place where Jesus is beside me, revealing Himself in a new way, a place where there are treasures, a training ground, and a place where eternal fruit can be grown, then I'm less depressed already. I don't propose to know much at all about depression, or have all the answers. I just wanted to throw this perspective out there because God has been speaking it to me these past few days. I do think that there is an aspect of battle in depression in that lies of the Enemy are prevalent and we are susceptible. Which is why I chose to list some of the things I've been thinking for you. The more we bring thoughts into the light the more clearly we see what is of God and what is of the Enemy. Lastly for me, I have heard the Lord say this is a season. Surrender to me in this season. He will lead me out at the appointed time. Mean time I have found my way to a resting place of security that Jesus is in this pit of darkness with me and He has purpose for it in my life. And when I begin to doubt that and slip off again, I'll just keep coming back to sit before Him...and endure the quiet numb darkness until I hear Him again.

 

I love you friends (when I'm not numb lol). Let's not hide alone but be united with Christ and each other.

 

The songs "Times" and" By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North have ministered to me greatly. In case you need some ministering to.

love

mich

Prepared Beforehand

Well its been awhile since I had anything to say. But this...this is a good one. Maybe you can relate with me about the struggle of "doing good works". As I've grown in Christ, I've grown in my understanding of why we do good things. For a long time I was striving to prove I was saved and good enough and that I loved the Lord enough that I would do good things for Him. Thanks be to my Savior who did not let me continue along entrenched in thinking like that. Still, occasionally, I struggle with perfectionist behavior, performance based love, and falling right back into those thoughts. Yesterday morning the Lord spoke to me in Ephesians 2. He tweaked my vision once again and as with everything He does, it brought peace, joy, and delight to my soul!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,
even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),
 and raised us up with Him,
and seated us with Him, in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus,
 in order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;not as a result of works, that no one should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. "

This list of beautiful promises in these verses is amazing! Not just salvation, as if that wasn't beautiful enough, but He makes us alive, raised up with Him, seated WITH HIM, and He brings us there so that He can show us surpassing riches of His grace in KINDNESS!

He is out to show me KINDNESS! He is out to show you KINDNESS and its not because of anything we have done. Just soak in that for a minute!!

ok, it gets better.After that delightful reminder that I can't work to save myself or earn His favor, He says to me, "My Love, works are NOT a requirement, they are My gift once you are Mine. They are MY good works. I prepared them, you just walk in them and enjoy them!!!"  Say what?!

Now that resonates in me, I do LOVE to walk in the works He has prepared for me! Which one of us hasn't experienced that almost unexplainable delight and exhilaration of riding along on the Holy Spirit's work and being a part of something that was a "God thing"? Contrarily, I know the feeling of striving to make a Michelle's good work into a God thing. Its hard, its exhausting, its draining, its bla.

 yesterday morning the Spirit highlighted the word "prepared". When I think of prepared, I think of a substitute teacher having all the lesson plans laid out for her to use with the class and she just walks in and does it. I think of preparing dinner for my husband and kids before I go out for girl's night. I  leave dinner fully cooked, table set, glasses made, all the way down to the scissors laid out for cutting the baby's food. All he has to do is walk in and serve. I looked up prepared/preparation in the dictionary.

Here are some synonyms: made ready, gotten ready, arranged, assembled, built, concocted (love that one), constructive, contrived, cooked up, endowed, fashioned, formulated, furnish, ground work laid, made provision for, outfitted, ready, settled, smooth the way, all systems go, all bases covered, all set, prepped, primed

Antonyms: disorganized, ignore, neglect

Isn't that delightful...Can it be that God has these treasures of "good works" all laid out and preped for me and I just have to walk in them??? I just have to look for them each day because He has done the prep work!? Many of you know that my son is into Mario Kart, much to my annoyance, still the Lord seems to talk with me using it often. ha! I played it with Zach this Saturday. Because I hardly ever play and he plays daily, he is much better than me. As you drive these different courses in race cars you try not to fall off the road and die and avoid evil creatures that will kill you. Conversely, you are also looking for these magic boxes that give you special gifts for your drive, some that help you to win. I kept missing the boxes as I drove. I was so busy trying to go fast, and not die that I wasn't putting driving through the boxes as a high priority. They were there, whether I chose to drive that way or not but I was too busy to try to find them on purpose. At some points I'd hit them accidentally and I was always glad I had. Zach kept saying, "Get the boxes mom!"

 I see these good works God has prepared for me as treasure boxes in my day. Have I been frantically driving through my day just trying to survive and missing His treasure He prepared for me this day!?
In all His power and wisdom and design the most perfect treasure of good works for me to walk in, every day are laid out! The Lord says: Get the box Michelle!

Think God is awesome yet? Well here's one last piece. In the analogy of the sub teacher or my husband feeding the kids dinner, they still have to do the work on their own. But I discovered, that God doesn't work that way, of course.  I looked up "walk" from this verse, in the Greek reference in the back of my bible. I found it means to tread around, walk at large, to live, to deport oneself, follow (as a companion or votary)-go be occupied with , walk about. Since I didn't know what votary meant, and you probably don't either, here are some synonyms: believer, addict, amateur, buff, devotee, enthusiast, disciple, fanatic. So here it is: we are IN Christ doing these good works; not alone, not given the prep work and left but it is done together with Christ as the expert, and me as the amateur devoted disciple! What assurance! If you are a teacher, you've come back to school and found that they sub didn't execute your plan as you prepared it! I've come home to find that Eric added something to the meal or left the table and kitchen a disaster, NOT PART OF THE PLAN. But with God, there's no danger of that because you are in His plan doing it WITH Him! Oh joy and bliss! I'm serious, nothing compares to the fulfillment, purpose, and life that comes from these treasures!

So girls, let's go be treasure hunters for His preped works for us today! Then comment back with what you find!
WHO IS LIKE THE LORD ! love yall!